I hate myself

tonight i was looking at pics of me this time last year
January

This one is right before I found out that I had a 6 inch vaginal tear and had to have a second surgery basically a second hysterectomy 8 weeks after the first. This is in Feb

This is a couple days ago.

So yeah. I hate myself

Up 6lbs

Yeah you read that right! Ugh! I havent worked out yesterday or today. I am still not able to walk right or even move reall. I cant bend my legs or sit in a way that moves my thighs. WTHeck?!

This morning I had bloodwork drawn and all day I felt like crap so much so I decided tonight after seeing the 6 pound weight gain I would eat junk so I did. I really need to learn to cope better.

Im angry. Im mad I gained 40+ pounds in such a short amount of time. I mad I dont love to workout anymore. Im pissed that I cant move, have zero energy and my life is moving so fast yet I cant keep up. Im mad I am failing, Im angry that after 6 months of an infection and horrible toothache I was suppose to get it fixed today adn the insurance doesnt cover a dang thing and it would have been 1200. today. So here I am in major pain and upset my teeth will never be fixed.

SCREW IT ALL!!!

3lbs gone

Yesterday I ate well and exercised. I did 45 mins on the elliptical in the afternoon then I went to body pump later that evening and after the kids were in bed I went for a walk. It all paid off. This morning although tired from not sleeping well and coughing I am doing well. Today I go see the doctor and then will find something to do as far as working out.
I like the elliptical because I can read while working out. I hope to get back to 2hrs a day 5 to 6 days a week but we will see.
It felt good to be back.

Be blessed

 Current weight: 210lbs
waist: 46 inches
neck: 13.5
arms: 14 inches
hips: 50 inches
thighs 29 inches

Well since my hysterectomy last November I have gained 40+ pounds. The last couple months I gave up exercising and eating right because it wasnt helping. Now I feel like crap, I eat crap and I dont give a crap. Time to change! Next step, see the doctor and see if it is something like tyroid or something like that. I need to write probably daily and write down everything I eat. Time to make small goals.

First goal: Exercise 4 hours this week from Oct 1st- 7th

reward: one starbucks (no starbucks or iced mochas until 4hrs are done)

Second goal: 10lbs gone 

reward: pedicure

I'm not looking back. I'm moving ahead. I'm here to declare to you my past is over in You all things are made new. I'm moving moving forward!

Be blessed

184 but now 170 Catch up

So since I posted last I had a second surgery a couple weeks ago. Then I got a massive infection and I was in the hospital a week on some pretty intense drugs. The second surgery brought me up to 184. I was heartbroken. All that hard work.

My stomach is still very swollen but I am back down now to 170. I am eating all the time because I have around the clock nausea. Right now the most important thing I can do is listen to my body. So I am. I am also not allowed to workout. This sucks I wont lie.

The dr says the recovery will be long and hard. I am out at least another 6 weeks. That's ok. God will heal me completely and make this just a horrible and distant memory.

I have learned its not about getting to the goal the fastest no matter at what cost. Its about being healthy and things happen in life that throw us and our bodies out. My body says rest and I agree. Listen to your bodies.

Be blessed

45 pounds GONE! 170

Thats right I did it! 45 pounds gone! I am so proud of myself. I have a ton to do so cant write more but YAY!!!!!

Be blessed

172 n 2hours of working out

Last night I did it! 2 hours of working out!!! I did an hour at noon and then at 7pm I went to spin. I made it through! Yay!!!

I felt like my old self only with a bit more energy.

Anyways. I feel good. Hoping to get back to the gym tonight but I have a shoot so I dunno.


Be blessed